Agony
by Maladin
Summary: A little trip in Azula's tortuous mind.


**Avatar: the last airbender belongs to Michael Dante DiMartino, Bryan Konietzko and Nickelodeon.**

-

You hate me, brother, I know you do. But you have no idea how my heart burns with hatred and jealousy when I see you.

Father said I was born lucky while you were lucky to be born. How wrong he was. You might never realize it, Zuzu, but you were born much luckier than me. You were allowed to seem weak, to be weak, whereas less than perfection was forbidden to me, named after our fearless grandfather. You were surrounded by caring relatives, the only company I had was ruthless teachers. You were drowned in love, something I can only speculate how it feels.

Cousin Lu Ten only played with you. When he was home, you would spent hours talking together, but he barely spoke to me. I'm sure he did so only because his father wanted him to be polite. I'm so glad he died at the siege of Ba Sing Se. Too bad Uncle didn't. Dear Uncle. He never gave me a second glance, or a first one for that matter. I was eclipsed by your presence, and the few times you weren't here, he hardly noticed me. I remember the gifts he sent, you had this superb dagger, symbol of the surrender of a general, and I had only a 'new friend' in the person of a stupid doll. I'm surprised he actually remembered me, but he probably just took the nearest thing he found and sent it to me.

Mother, sweet Mother... She had eyes and ears only for you. She would run at your side whenever you had the littlest disappointment or the mildest hurt, but was oblivious to whatever could happen to me. I remember the time when we both slept in the same room. She came each night to sing lullabies, but they were meant for you. I realized it when we were given different bedrooms, when she would only come to wish me a good night and then I would hear her sing in your room. She probably chased away your nightmares that way, while my dreams would always depict her abandoning me to finally have only you to raise. And you always laughed at me in those dreams as I cried for her to come back.

And she did leave, the night Grandfather passed away. But I didn't cry. A fire prodigy doesn't cry, neither does a princess of the most powerful nation in the world. I didn't cry, no matter how much I wanted to.

I might, might have forgiven you for all the love you attracted if you loved me like siblings should love each other. But you didn't. You were always with Mother, it was so hard for me to get you to play with me. Like everyone else, you didn't care about me. And when you were aware of me, you only showed disdain or dislike. And Mother would scold me again to be nicer to you. When I was nice to you, you never noticed it, it never brought me anything. You only saw me when I was cruel. At least, I had some attention this way, even if it was only contempt.

Although one day you started to remark me more. Observe me, even. When I was revealed to be a prodigy. But it wasn't the attention I was yearning for. You were jealous of my abilities, you who had the love of Mother, Uncle and Cousin. You'll never realize how lucky you really were. If it wasn't for my firebending, Father would have never cared about me. You're something in spite of your weakness, I'm absolutely nothing without my bending. Father scarred you and banished you for being a failure. He would have killed me or abandoned me, like Mother did, if I was not the prodigy I am.

And then, you joined me, that fateful day we took Ba Sing Se. I was thrilled, I thought you finally cared about me, that you joined my side for me. But you didn't. Had I not mentioned your regained honor, you would have never even thought about joining me. I hate you, Zuko. Mai, and even Ty Lee I'm sure, like you more than they like me. I wouldn't be surprised if they abandoned me to be with you.

I hate you more than anything, Zuzu, but I won't kill you. It wouldn't be cruel enough compared to the lonely agony I lived because you were born and, as much as I don't want to admit it, I would miss you. So, I'll make you pay. Mother disappeared, Lu Ten died, but Uncle Iroh is still alive. I'll make him suffer in front of you, but I'll show you I'm not heartless and let you put him out of his misery. Still, it won't ever approach the pain I felt each time you were favored over me.

But this won't stop here. I'll get what I lacked from you, one way or another. One way or another, dear Zuzu, you'll love me, after neglecting me for so long. Uncle will never care about me, he has eyes only for you, but I want my brother to love me. I want to know how it feels to have someone care about me...


End file.
